Doodle Life

Day 178

Lemme just say I HAVE ONE MILLION AND A HALF THINGS TO DO BUT I HAVE NO PLACE TO START.

On a less stressful note, I wanted to write about body image today. I have never been considered ‘skinny’ ever. In fact, in recent years (namely freshman and sophomore year) I was considered fat. I knew it and I decided to do something about it. 

Despite losing over 50 pounds, the image of my own body has not changed in my own eyes. I still see myself as the fat awkward kid. Apparently this is an issue that plagues a lot of people who lose weight. I can lose weight to feel better but I still feel the same and it begs the question : Who am I losing weight for? Why?

In this past year I have begun to see myself as a confident person who is working on her body image. I understand that it is hard to see past big thighs, hips and being bigger than a size 2. It has taken a lot to come to terms with the fact that I am not built to be a size 2 I will always be a 4 or a 6. 

Body image is an issue that loads of people I know struggle with. There is no easy way around it and it isn’t something to brush off. It takes a lot fo hard work to like yourself when you don’t. It is frustrating when an shirt doesn’t fit right. Or when you constantly compare yourself to the skinniest, prettiest girl in your class.

It sucks. But when you reach a point where your confidence peaks, it si worth it. That confidence makes you the prettiest and it makes you stand out in a good way.

I may still hate my body but I am working on it.

Here are the before an after pictures. *wincing*

Day 177

I cannot even express how sorry I am that I haven’t posted in forever and a half.

In any case, TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! I am 17 today and it is strange to think about it. One year older but really only one day older than yesterday. Age has always freaked me out a bit….just like time does. Both concepts can sometimes go beyond my comprehension. 

It is also strange to think about the fact that at this time next year I will know where I am going to school. A huge decision will be made in less than 365 days and it is beginning to loom over my head. Everyone says that college or university will be great and it will be so much better than high school. But it is hard to believe that when I haven’t experienced it and that scares me. 

Back to my birthday. My parents are paying for my service trip to Albuquerque next September and they are letting me get an iPad mini! I don’t really like the big ones because they aren’t very portable. (in my case at least). I can’t say it was a bad birthday but it definitely wasn’t the best. My brother and I never get along and it has gotten to the point where it doesn’t even bother me. His blatant disrespect of parental authority is what ruined my birthday. I like structure (for the most part) and his behavior disrupts the dynamic between parent and child. That dynamic is necessary in order to maintain a structured household. CHAOS MAN. 

Have a lovely day! Here is a throwback to when I was a blonde! (and a photo from this morning…)

Day 176

Today is a day. A day full of stress, lack of motivation and thoughtful reflection. 

By thoughtful I mean over thinking everything I have done in the past week. Don’t be fooled, self reflection is a wonderful thing but I have a tendency to be hypercritical of myself and I tend to rethink everything I have done.

It is an issue. 

In any case, IB has cracked down and exams start next week. I could tell you how scared I am. Or how I am worried that my grades will define my future success. Or how I worry that I won’t get into a good school and I won’t be anybody. I think that it is an issue that many kids my age face. Why should we allow ourselves to be judged on one number. I am a human with interests, passions and beliefs that extend beyond a test grade. As a result, I have an issue with the fact that my success as a human (at this point) is determined by a number. 

Plus I am angsty (not a word) because boy. Watcha gone do. 

Day 175

Today was another pretty good day! I have been in such a good mood since yesterday and it is pathetic and nice at the same time.

School is beginning to get tougher because IB tests start next week. In all honesty, I am extremely nervous for my SL maths exam. My results on the practice exams are subject to change depending on the test year. I am very inconsistent.

However, I am gearing up for a high 6 or 7 on my SL Biology exam. I am very excited!

I also received my ACT composite score today and I got a 31…without studying!! I am going to register for June and take some practice tests so that I can pull my score up. Needless to say, I fall in the ‘average’ range for all of the schools I want. A huge relief. 

On a personal note, I really want this thing with previously said boy to work out. We may live a decent drive apart but I think we can do it. We are both train savvy and we both want to make it work. I am excited and anxious to see where this new revelation will lead!

I call this photo “Dazed and Confused”.

day 172

FYI this post is my mind while procrastinating my homework even though I have 3 assessments tomorrow! (FEEL MY DEDICATION)

In my IB English class we are reading a memoir entitled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. The book discusses Amy’s experiences as a ‘Tiger Mom’, meaning she is an extremely strict Chinese mother. Despite the harsh, and sometimes very personal criticisms of her book, I found it enthralling and I also found that she sounded a lot like my own mother. While my mother didn’t necessarily carry her strict parenting into my teenage years, there are still remnants of the way I was raised.

In fact, I don’t even find her parenting that outrageous. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that it doesn’t work for all children because it didn’t work for my younger brother due to his disabilities. However, there something to be said for the success of the children who flourish under this kind of parenting. Although I was allowed play-dates  I feel like i gained more from strict and sometimes harsh parenting than I would have from permissive parenting. 

When we all enter the ‘real world’, people won’t coddle you, or tell you that you did a fantastic job when you sucked. It is just the way the world works. I was raised to believe that sports teams should cut kids and that there is a point where you need to recognize your own talents and strengths. (even if that strength isn’t your favorite sport) My mother has prepared me for this because she cut the crap so to speak and told me the truth rather than pleasing me. To this day she tells me that if I make a commitment and I don’t stick to it that I should be ashamed. I don’t disagree. I have noticed a decrease in productivity when it comes to my generation (sometimes) and it is scary. 

Well, I wish you all the best and I want you all to flourish in your own right.

Day 170

Here is the expected apology for my absence. OK.

Well, it is officially spring break and I am more excited to sleep in than I am to not be in school. I found that both entertaining and pathetic. I should be more excited to do fun stuff. However, I can’t do fun stuff anyways! COLLEGE VISITS! 

To be honest, I am nervous to visit colleges. It is a huge step towards the future and it is daunting. The whole idea of applying and getting accepted or rejected scares me. I, like many others, am afraid of being rejected by every school I apply to. That fear can be crippling sometimes and it makes me sad. However, I am very excited to be exiting this town. 

I wish all of my followers a happy spring break! Not to mention have a good holiday! 

(p.s. not one of my more thoughtful posts) (I’ll post from the road when I get philosophical and such)